I Never Noticed

My father was the glue that held my connection to a hundred or more relatives together and since he passed away, my family has become smaller and smaller for me. Pictures have disappeared, replaced occasionally by emails and new names. And I never noticed. The branches of my relationship tree prune themselves. And I am diminished.

Sadly, that is normal and usual, part of the constantly shifting patterns of life. It seems we only pay attention to our relationships when they are very close and breaking or broken. The rest we take for granted and we let them drift.

But they, too, are subject to the laws of thermodynamics. They, like everything else in the universe, drift inexorably from order to disorder. Some relationships get more and more tenuous and then, like very remote points of light, they blink out. And we don’t notice that our life gets somehow dimmer.

Some relationships get increasingly more difficult. It’s always ‘their fault’ and we wish they would disappear. But the quality of our life is measured by the quality of our relationships and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do about it.

You know that all business is relationships and so are all organizations and communities - but what can we do about them? How do we build them, how do we strengthen them? Even if we knew how, doing it never occurs as something urgent. After all, life changes; so do relationships. These, too, shall pass.

This is why I am a relationship coach. Yes, I help fix what’s broken, but I also build and nurture what we take for granted. It makes a real difference in the quality – and in the productivity of your life. I am not a wall full of self-help books. I offer sound, practical coaching to support you in getting what you want and need. I say, “There is no You, there’s only You And. I make the And great.”

If you don’t want to receive these essays, just reply and I’ll remove you from my mailing list. But this is what I offer:

Call me (609 586 2021) to set up a complimentary one-on-one session.
Call me or email me (michaellipp@1stClassCoaching.com) to register for my all day Relationship Seminar called Daybreak, Friday, April 15, from 9AM – 4PM, NJ.
Call me or email me to register for my breakthrough program on relationships, Let the Sun Shine In, 6:30 – 8:30 for 6 weeks, starting Tuesday, April 26th, with one on one coaching for 6 more weeks and a final completion evening, location tbd, in Mercer County. This is also given as a teleclass on Monday evenings, starting Monday, April 25th, at 6:30PM.
The final program in the Relationship Series is Cloud Nine, floating on your new-born relationships, to be specified in April. This will meet once a month.

My website, www.1stClassCoaching.com / has more information about my practice.

Valentines Day: The Pressures of Commitment

Michael Lipp
(609) 586 - 2021
michaellipp@1stClassCoaching.com
www.1stClassCoaching.com

Valentines Day Perspective on Results

The Pleasures of Commitment II

The other day I issued part I of this essay. It was all well and good, but it left out a crucial, absolutely essential problem with commitment, namely: Who goes first? Is it possible to commit without anxiously waiting to hear, “me, too?”

This is the main issue in all business negotiations. Everyone has read the cliche that whoever speaks first loses. So no one wants to go first. It seems to leave you defenseless.

You know, most of us don’t realize that there are four answers to a yes-no question. Our thinking stops at yes and no. The same is true about commitment. We think we either do or we wait; we inch forward and let the other person inch forward and then we go first, praying that the other person will respond favorably.

But there are more answers. You can answer a yes-no question in these ways:
Yes and no, of course, but also, “I have a counter-offer” (which reverses the conversation) and the one that is like what’s available here about commitment:
“I won’t answer now, but I commit to giving you an answer by such and such date and time.”

That’s similar to what I’m suggesting here. I can’t commit now. But I want you to know that my intention is to commit. It’s where I want to end up, so I just want you to know what my intention is.

“Intention is an impulse toward something; an idea that one is going to accomplish something. It’s intentional, which means one means to do it”
“A plan of action; design, an aim that guides action.”
” The purpose or desired outcome of any behavior.

Thus, you can commit without committing. It is a major step forward. It’s a willingness to at least put your cards on the table. It allows for the conversation to include “the fear.” Please let us look at the fear we have of committing. What can we do about it? Can you help me to remove my fear, I’ll help you to remove yours.

The ultimate quote on commitment comes from Goethe, who wrote:

“Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it."

Don’t ignore the magic. Nothing else really works.

The Pleasures of Commitment

Clients come to me and want to be in a relationship. At first I thought that ‘finding the one’ was the job. But that is only the first part of the job and it is very much intertwined with the second part of the job, which is committing to the relationship. This is harder. Accepting the one is harder than finding the one. Everyone has been hurt by a relationship, many have been hurt several times. The path is strewn with the past. And if you have never been hurt, you’ve seen your parents, your siblings, your friends and your other relatives. Few of us have an enviable record here. So what to do?

Well, let’s look at what is involved in commitment. We instinctively see it as a loss of freedom and that’s where a lot of the fear is based. No-commitment is based entirely on the past. Any attempt at even thinking about the future is blocked by the experience of the past; the memory of emotional pain, sometimes coupled with financial and material loss. But the state of no commitment is inherently unstable; it cannot last. Each of you holds back a vital part of yourself. That is painful. It’s hard to sustain something that is inherently painful.

Commitment makes the future available. New conversations are possible – inevitable- Hopes, dreams, aspirations…plans are called for, welcomed, … and they are shared, not hidden.

And here is a pleasure that is frequently overlooked. You can fight; you can disagree; you can reveal the unpleasantness that we all hide. You can be yourself and deal with the consequences. Commitment means ‘warts and all.’
The future is always unknown but with commitment a pair can face that future. There is always someone rooting for you.

Commitment is a state change, like water to steam. Life is different after commitment and deliciously unpredictable.

Commitment is always scary. Until you commit