The Pleasures of Commitment

Clients come to me and want to be in a relationship. At first I thought that ‘finding the one’ was the job. But that is only the first part of the job and it is very much intertwined with the second part of the job, which is committing to the relationship. This is harder. Accepting the one is harder than finding the one. Everyone has been hurt by a relationship, many have been hurt several times. The path is strewn with the past. And if you have never been hurt, you’ve seen your parents, your siblings, your friends and your other relatives. Few of us have an enviable record here. So what to do?

Well, let’s look at what is involved in commitment. We instinctively see it as a loss of freedom and that’s where a lot of the fear is based. No-commitment is based entirely on the past. Any attempt at even thinking about the future is blocked by the experience of the past; the memory of emotional pain, sometimes coupled with financial and material loss. But the state of no commitment is inherently unstable; it cannot last. Each of you holds back a vital part of yourself. That is painful. It’s hard to sustain something that is inherently painful.

Commitment makes the future available. New conversations are possible – inevitable- Hopes, dreams, aspirations…plans are called for, welcomed, … and they are shared, not hidden.

And here is a pleasure that is frequently overlooked. You can fight; you can disagree; you can reveal the unpleasantness that we all hide. You can be yourself and deal with the consequences. Commitment means ‘warts and all.’
The future is always unknown but with commitment a pair can face that future. There is always someone rooting for you.

Commitment is a state change, like water to steam. Life is different after commitment and deliciously unpredictable.

Commitment is always scary. Until you commit