At Home in My Community Relationships

I took on a project to enroll my business networking group to work with Homefront, a community group that houses the homeless. My project is for the business networking groups to get them jobs. This relationship will be of great benefit to both groups – to get the homeless out of their cycles of dependency and to the networking groups because it will enhance their reputation, add to the cohesiveness of the group (and therefore attract new members) and because nothing gives zest and satisfaction better than making a difference where a difference needs to be made.

I met with Amanthia, the head of ‘Partnership for Family Independence,’ one of the arms of Homefront. She is my partner in this. She is so willing to expand her job-seeking activities. I was fully ignorant about who they housed, what they (and their tenants) did, what they needed and what help they needed to get the jobs. This is her community by ownership, but she is considered an outsider because she has a high school degree and a car.

You know, it’s one thing to have attitudes about the homeless, still another to read the statistics or read about them and still more another to find out, meet, experience the lives of the homeless. Sheila (all names fake here) was in the office when I arrived. She is 18 with a 3-year old son, trying to finish high school. Her friend Terry is 21 and is living 2-3 days a week with her. We all know this is illegal and they will have to stop once they get their id cards to let people in and out of the building. Terry lives with another friend 2 days and with her boyfriend (who lives with his mother) the rest of the time. He’s the father of her own 3-year old, who she lugs around with her. She hasn’t finished high school. Every story is the same as that and different from it. Mothers and sisters may have three different apartments in the building. The building has security, but is truly marginal. Some tenants are disabled; others are developmentally disabled.

We don’t know how many homeless (or housed homeless) there are. There are 197 apartments in the building I was in. But over Christmas, they gave the children over 1,000 toy baskets. They always take applications for their housing, but the requirements are stiff and the waiting lists long. This is not an improving situation.

If nothing is done, we will have worsening situations because our welfare laws are increasingly rigid. If we succeed in this project, it can be viewed as a drop in the bucket. Amanthia succeeds in getting 3 jobs a month. But when we succeed, we will be mobilizing the business community to actively participate in bettering their own communities. This can alter the community on the have and have not sides. All of us will win.

Some people are willing – eager – to work. Others are lost in the attitudes of victim and the culture of multi-generational welfare. Amanthia is training people in basic work skills. They need jobs above the minimum because the minimum is not enough. They need $10/hour: delivery, stock clerks, janitors, housekeepers, security guards, retail clerks, and attendants. We just need to help them take that first step. First steps are bigger than all the rest.

You Have a Choice

I’m a relationship coach and, unlike most, I deal with those ‘other’ relationships. Of course, I make love happen without wings and an arrow, but I really make a difference with business relationships, family relationships, community relationships, old and stale relationships and all the rest that we take for granted, lost or forgotten.

I’m also an activist for ending hunger and for creating jobs for the homeless. These activities make me think politically. For example, I just found out that this administration gives far more in food assistance than was ever done before. I was initially stunned and pleased. Then I found out that the increase was mandatory. The budget is pegged to the population that requires food aid. This has skyrocketed so the budget has dramatically increased. Hunger is on the rise.

My natural instincts are to rail and rant, to stomp my feet (verbally) and complain. But I’m a relationship coach. I tell people my commitment is that around me people experience love and contribution, wisdom and harmony, So I performed one of the great secrets of relationships – I remembered that I have a choice. And I forgave them. Forgiveness is that great secret of relationships – and it’s most powerful when undeserved. How I can forgive is that I use what the Buddha said, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a different past.”

So I take myself away from the past, away from morality, back into the present and working toward the future

You Have a Choice

I’m a relationship coach and, unlike most, I deal with those ‘other’ relationships. Of course, I make love happen without wings and an arrow, but I really make a difference with business relationships, family relationships, community relationships, old and stale relationships and all the rest that we take for granted, lost or forgotten.

I’m also an activist for ending hunger and for creating jobs for the homeless. These activities make me think politically. For example, I just found out that this administration gives far more in food assistance than was ever done before. I was initially stunned and pleased. Then I found out that the increase was mandatory. The budget is pegged to the population that requires food aid. This has skyrocketed so the budget has dramatically increased. Hunger is on the rise.

My natural instincts are to rail and rant, to stomp my feet (verbally) and complain. But I’m a relationship coach. I tell people my commitment is that around me people experience love and contribution, wisdom and harmony, So I performed one of the great secrets of relationships – I remembered that I have a choice. And I forgave them. Forgiveness is that great secret of relationships – and it’s most powerful when undeserved. How I can forgive is that I use what the Buddha said, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a different past.”

So I take myself away from the past, away from morality, back into the present and working toward the future

Relqationship Secrets

There are many ways that communication strengthens relationships. I love these two:

Permission

Without permission almost anything “helpful” you say is considered to be too intrusive or meddling and is responded to with defensiveness. Defensiveness takes the form of anything from an icily polite “thank you” all the way to open hostility. Even when permission is implied (you’re the boss or you're with your spouse) it helps to get it. It hurts not to.

But imagine that you precede what you say with something as simple as, “Can I say something?” or, “Is it all right if I tell you something?”. Almost everyone will say, “okay” or “sure” or the like. You now have permission. Anything you now say has been invited. Maybe what you have to say is really serious – Get more permission. “This is kind of delicate – is it all right if I keep going?” or “I don’t want to upset you, can I continue?” Again, most people will say yes.

Here is something else we don’t know that allows powerful communication and powerful relationships. Give yourself permission. When giving a talk or a presentation, many people become tongue-tied. Start by giving yourself permission – “I’m feeling nervous” or “I’m in unfamiliar territory, please excuse me if I sound nervous. I am.” You’ve turned people from a potentially hostile audience into an empathetic one.

Appreciation

I’ve been doing this one for so long, it’s hard for me to remember that it’s a secret. People don’t get acknowledged enough. Husbands don’t thank wives. Wives don’t thank husbands. We rarely, if ever, acknowledge our children. Children certainly don’t acknowledge parents. If anyone acknowledges their boss it’s considered apple-polishing. Bosses rarely, if ever, acknowledge employees.

In my wife’s company, managers are actually forbidden to say positive things in their reviews – The company is afraid that if they say something positive and then had a layoff, the person would then sue them.

Hey! Acknowledgment is mother’s milk….not if it’s falsely delivered, then it smells and everyone knows it’s just kissing up. Acknowledgment doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, acknowledgment is even sweeter when it’s not earned.

Look at your children and say, “I haven’t told you how much I love you for a while. And I want you to know that I love you a lot. You’re very, very special.” Try saying to your boss, “I know no one ever tells you this, but I want you to know, I enjoy working for you.” Try it on. I used to feud with one of my daughters and I made it a point to acknowledge her (Incidentally, acknowledgement doesn’t mean ‘compliment’ it’s more closely related to ‘recognize.’) I just started to recognize her. The feud disappeared.

What’s great and so effective about acknowledgment is when it is unsolicited and unearned. Imagine how you would feel if you were just acknowledged for being yourself.

This just touches the surface of these critical secrets of relationships and communication., And there are more

Being Your Community

Last week I wrote about Community Relations and, in particular about my accountability to fill the seats in my upcoming Ending Hunger Benefit Gala. I didn’t give any information about it, and I should have – It’s April 9th in the Hanover Marriott Hotel in Whippany, NJ [www.EventsToEmpowerHumanity.org].
Then I saw that my silence about that is symptomatic of most of us. And I don’t fully understand that.

Most of you who read this also volunteer in some way and you certainly contribute to one or more really worthwhile causes. But we rarely speak about it. “Business as usual” is a devastating phrase. We sometimes wear cause-appropriate T-shirts but we rarely speak. Why do we hide ourselves? Business as usual? Or we don’t think it matters much? Or “it’s not my job?” Or “it feels like bragging or a million other reasons? That’s the real silent majority. We just feel awkward and uncomfortable about being personal with people. It’s a risk.

I suggest you take the risk. New worlds of relationship can become available. I learned this from a course I’ve taken: “Say the same old thing and have the same old life.” What could happen if you said something different, if you shared with people what you do for your community? One of the things is that you become your community. You will find yourself with an amplified voice. People will listen to you differently. They will think of you differently. You will have a stronger voice.

Years ago I started speaking about ending hunger. And that is how many people think of me. So I expanded my involvement. And people began relating to me that way. And I discovered that I mattered, I’ve become who I say I am – the possibility of love, contribution, wisdom and harmony.

As you matter. And you do, when people discover that who you are doesn’t stop with the outside of your skin or the reach of your family. Share your involvement. That’s community relationship in action. It’s already there – we just need to let other people know.

Being Your Community

Last week I wrote about Community Relations and, in particular about my accountability to fill the seats in my upcoming Ending Hunger Benefit Gala. I didn’t give any information about it, and I should have – It’s April 9th in the Hanover Marriott Hotel in Whippany, NJ [www.EventsToEmpowerHumanity.org].
Then I saw that my silence is symptomatic of most of us. And I don’t understand that.

Most of you who read this also volunteer in some way and you certainly contribute to one or more really worthwhile causes. But we rarely speak about it. “Business as usual” is a devastating phrase. We sometimes wear appropriate T-shirts but we rarely speak. Why do we hide ourselves? Business as usual? Or we don’t think it matters much? Or “it’s not my job?” Or “it feels like bragging or a million other reasons? That’s the real silent majority. We just feel awkward and uncomfortable about being personal with people. . It’s a risk.

I suggest you take the risk. New worlds of relationship can become available. I learned this from a course I’ve taken: “Say the same old thing and have the same old life.” What could happen if you said something different, if you shared with people what you do for your community? One of the things is that you become your community. You will find yourself with an amplified voice. People will listen to you differently. They will think of you differently, You will have a stronger voice.

Years ago I started speaking about ending hunger. And that is how many people think of me. So I expanded my involvement. And people began relating to me that way. And I discovered that I mattered, I’ve become who I say I am – the possibility of love, contribution, wisdom and harmony.